Latinos and Latines all grow up hearing the same thing: familia first. From their first moments, they are constantly surrounded by relatives who are always in the know. Boundaries aren’t a thing that exists in the lexicon of many.
Was your first breakup rough? The family knows. Do you have health issues you want to keep private? Here’s a jarabe from abuela as a makeshift cure. Got a new couch? La tía has thoughts about it and why you should’ve consulted her before getting it.
Because of this cultural norm, people feel that everything they do needs to be done close to the family. Despite any possible dysfunctions.
Latinidad Collective contacted trauma therapist and founder of Latinx Therapy, Adriana Alejandre, about the importance of setting boundaries.
Sharing everything all the time runs the potential of negatively impacting people
Alejandre articulates that “sharing anything and everything” can create distrust within the family and contribute to a “negative self-identity.”
“The cultural value of sharing anything and everything within la familia, as positive or dysfunctional as it could be, can negatively impact people in the sense that it breaks trust,” she explained.
The trauma therapist continued, “[It] builds a negative self-identity [in that the person] may no longer identify with the family, could be isolated, and could push others away from not getting close due to enmeshment and boundaries being crossed.”
Psychology Today describes boundaries as “limits we set with other people” to help delineate what we find okay. Boundaries “help define who we are and help us maintain our mental and emotional health.”
When your family lacks boundaries, not only can it affect your mental health. But it also adds a layer of difficulty to your relationships.
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“For example, if an adult child is trying to start a relationship and the suegra wants them to move in and have control over their relationship decisions, the other partner may not feel comfortable and could even suffer physically from emotional exhaustion,” Alejandre adds.
Regarding negative self-identity, the snowball effect can be on a larger scale.
She continues, “An example of building negative self-identity could be if a mother shares that her daughter is in therapy, and yet the family stigmatizes mental health. Other relatives may feel compelled to judge, to give advice, and overall place this daughter, regardless of age, in a vulnerable position.”
“Moreover, the risk for anxiety and depression may increase from any shame or guilt that comes from situations disclosed or hurtful comments being made by others,” the first-generation Guatemalan-Mexican notes.
Setting boundaries is a form of “self-love”
Psychology Today details that boundaries should not be confused with walls that keep people out. People should consider them “guidelines” that allow us to “express our needs.”
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Citing a study from the Journal of Social & Clinical Psychology, the publication adds that boundaries help people feel less distress.
“Boundaries are a form of self-love and routine. They provide us with a sense of safety and comfort. They are the essence of our emotional regulation, and without them, we may feel unbalanced in various areas of our lives,” Alejandre adds.
She continues, “To ensure that self boundaries remain intact under external pressure from family, I recommend implementing intentional acts into your routine that help you feel connected to yourself.”
“This can include meditation, practicing boundaries in front of a mirror to decrease anxiety, learning to sit with discomfort, having notes reminding you of your self-boundaries, and creating systems within your routine that validate and honor your self-boundaries,” the trauma therapist continued.
She also stressed the importance of practicing accountability and flexibility when setting boundaries. Being too rigid could prove problematic.
“Rigidity with any kind of boundaries can be unproductive and harmful for our mental health. Boundaries can be modified when they aren’t working out anymore,” Alejandre emphasized.
Setting healthy boundaries can also help protect people from the less savory side of familismo
Whether you know the word or not, familismo is something all Latinos and Latines have experienced at some point. Psychology Today describes it as the “dedication, commitment, and loyalty to family” that puts “the family above oneself.”
Ever stopped yourself from pursuing a goal or a dream because of how it would affect your family? Familismo. Given money to your parents or sibling? Familismo.
That’s not to say that all familismo is bad, because it’s not. But not having boundaries can be dangerous.
Alejandre explains, “Reflecting on wounds being created from not having boundaries is an important factor to bring into awareness because this can become your guide as to the boundaries that need to be set in place.”
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“When it comes to setting boundaries, having conversations with family is important, although difficult in some family dynamics,” she continued.
The trauma therapist added, “Communication should include the reason behind the boundary, including how it can work out for all involved individuals if [the] family is able to understand, and including disclaimers as to what this boundary does not mean.”
An example the Guatemalan-Mexican founder gives is setting boundaries with your grandparents.
“Sharing a boundary with a grandparent may hurt their feelings for the first time, but we can hold space for their feelings and our own boundary while sharing that this boundary does not mean you will stop loving them or visiting,” she expressed.
Alejandre notes, “This would be the case with the example of telling our grandparents we can’t call or visit every day.”
“The balance between protecting ourselves [and] caring for others while prioritizing your needs will become a skill to learn with each boundary experience,” she asserts.
