Healing is a journey that takes a lot of time and patience. Once we love our way through our faults, we hold more compassionate space for those around us. We begin to see that while we have the support of our loved ones, they might not always be the best at holding the space we need them to hold.
As we go through life, we learn that there are certain things we can’t bring into every space. Our co-workers can’t hold space for us the same way our friends can.
It’s the same within the dynamics of our families. Some find it easier to speak to their abuela than their mamá. Others find solace in a deep conversation with their tío versus one with their primos.
But when we begin to heal the parts of ourselves that have been hurting for far too long, we begin to notice how big the gap can get between certain members of our families.
More often than not, our family hasn’t committed to healing
In a Reddit form, a user shared something a therapist told them.
They wrote, “I remember in my intensive therapy program from over ten years ago, a therapist said something that has stuck with me ever since. Basically, ‘You are changing, your family isn’t.’”
“Our family is still stuck in the [dysfunction] we are healing from. We’re learning and changing our behavior but our family members are not on that same journey — so we no longer fit into the harmful dynamic everyone else is comfortable in,” they continued.
When you heal, being around family can be triggering. Dr. Lisette Sánchez, of Calathea Wellness, shares with Latinidad Collective how turning to your family can sometimes be “difficult” for some people.
“It can be difficult to turn to family for support when their responses feel dismissive. Expressing a need for help might be met with phrases like ‘just smile’ or ‘ponte a limpiar,’ which can invalidate one’s experiences,” the licensed psychologist of Mexican and Salvadorean heritage explained.
She continues, “There is often an expectation to keep struggles within the family, but the reality is that some families may not have the emotional tools or resources to provide adequate support.”
“Many first-generation Latines carry the weight of intergenerational trauma, which can make conversations about emotional well-being even more complicated,” Sánchez adds.
Therapy and grounding exercises can be a helpful way to deescalate intense emotions
Sara Díaz, the licensed clinical social worker behind The First Gen Madrina, notes how therapy has been a helpful tool on her healing journey.
“As a therapist and a person who has been in therapy as well, I am a huge proponent for therapy to help us heal. It is powerful and liberating to speak with someone that can help you through an unbiased lens,” the Cuban-American Latina begins.
“With that said, I understand that there is still a huge stigma that comes with therapy. I would say to keep an open mind and try different things that you feel comfortable with,” she adds.
Díaz continues, “Other forms of healing can come through things like meditation, breathwork, [and] mindfulness [exercises.] Choose one that you may be open to trying and see if it works for you.”
Sánchez echoes this sentiment and suggests some grounding exercises that tap into breathwork.
The Los Angeles-born writer details, “Grounding exercises can be helpful in the moment. For example, square breathing, 7/11 breathing, or engaging your senses — [like] holding something cold [or a] 5-4-3-2-1 grounding [exercise.]”
She also suggests reflecting on your boundaries once you’ve finished your chosen grounding exercises.
“Afterward, taking time to reflect on what boundaries need to be set can help prevent similar distress in the future. Sometimes, that means limiting the time spent with certain relatives or preparing a plan for how to disengage from difficult conversations,” Sánchez notes.
Immersed with the new emotions that arise during healing, a sense of guilt can arise for many Latinos and Latines
Díaz notes that feeling guilty is a “totally normal experience.”
“Remember that within our culture, there is still a huge stigma to obtaining mental health support. We might hear toxic phrases such as ‘que van a decir la gente’ or ‘eso es para los locos,’’’ she articulates.
She adds, “This is completely invalidating, and it is what keeps most of us from obtaining the support that we need and deserve.”
Sánchez asserts that this delicate baile is “one of the most difficult aspects of healing as a first-generation Latina.” She notes that many within the Latino and Latine communities were raised on “familismo,” a practice that prioritizes the family over the individual.
Familismo leads people to feel that getting help is something inconsiderate and rude to the family.
“But the truth is, seeking healing outside of family isn’t an act of disloyalty, it’s an act of self-preservation. Our parents and elders did what they could with what they had, but that doesn’t mean we have to carry the same burdens in the same way,” Sánchez clarifies.
