Since Cassandra “Cassie” Ventura unleashed her explosive lawsuit on Sean “Diddy” Combs in 2023, I have been captivated by the sheer strength that doing something like that had to have taken for her. Now, she’s in the news again as she takes the stand to share her story for the whole world to see during day two of Combs’ trial for alleged charges of racketeering, sex trafficking, and transportation to engage in prostitution. She’s also doing all of this while pregnant.
From time immemorial, women have been told to keep their heads down and not speak up, oftentimes at the risk of keeping abuses and atrocities hidden from the world. Porque, what would people think if they knew you let that happen to you?
Ventura pushed through despite what the public would say about her or if she would be vilified after going after someone who held so much power. As someone who was in an abusive relationship as well, it gives me strength and makes me feel seen in a way that I haven’t before. I’m also full of rage. Lots of it.
Ventura isn’t going out there to be coddled; she’s simply sharing the dark truths she experienced
The singer met the music mogul at a very young age; she was 19, while he was 37. That’s a 17-year age difference between a young woman who is still developing, coming into her own, and a man who is fully set in his ways.
Like most women, I highly doubt she expected where that relationship would lead her. No woman would. And for the naysayers who will claim that she should have known better, remember who you were at that age.
Stop thinking like someone who has the knowledge you have now and be like the teenager you were then, who didn’t know any better.
When we think about who we were at 19, we are all highly impressionable and people-pleasing, especially if you’re a teenager trying to break into the music industry, and one of its top people shines a light on you. You, too, would be enraptured by their apparent charm, fame, money, and power.
“I wanted to be around Sean for the same reasons as everyone else at the time — this exciting, entertaining, fun guy who also happened to have my career in his hands,” Ventura testifies on May 13, referencing a Trump Tower rendezvous after her 21st birthday.
Abusers look for someone whom they can control, manipulate, and keep in submission
She also testified how the night at Trump Tower was when he taught her about oral sex.
Ventura shared, “Sean taught me how. He gave me oral sex, I did not reciprocate — I just went home. I heard about it from him. He made me feel crazy for not reciprocating, but I didn’t understand, and I was in a relationship with someone else.”
“I was so young and I didn’t have the vocabulary, and was just trying to understand it,” Ventura continued. “I was sexually inexperienced. Leaving him was always confusing. I felt special and not a lot of people got that time.”
Each relationship is complex. There’s no easy way to decipher where lines are blurred. Where human fallacy comes into play and the conflicting emotions that come up when you experience abuse in a relationship.
Not all wounds are visible. Those that are visible can be found in places that can be easily hidden. When you exert as much control as Ventura said Combs had on her life, you grow up thinking (because that’s what she did while with him) that you don’t have options.
Ventura has explicitly noted that Combs controlled so many aspects of her life: her career, the way she dressed, “everything.” She adds that she didn’t feel she could say no to him because she simply “didn’t know what ‘no’ could be, or what ‘no’ could turn into.”
Per AP News, Assistant U.S. Attorney Emily Johnson explained how Combs would beat Ventura “over the smallest slights,” like departing from the abusive and abhorrent so called “Freak Off” party “without his permission” or simply taking longer while in the bathroom.
And those infamous parties where folks were said to be drugged without their knowledge? It’s alleged that he threatened to release footage of Ventura at them.
Johnson asserts, “Her livelihood depended on keeping him happy.”
Abusers come in all shapes and sizes
It’s disgusting to think that someone would do this to someone else. But abuse happens more often than people think it does. It comes from people most wouldn’t suspect. My abuser got good grades in school, came highly recommended by friends, and was seen as someone dependable.
I am still very wary when people tell me, “I know someone I think would be great for you.” It didn’t turn out well for me last time. I’ve become a believer that just because someone is a good friend doesn’t mean they will be a good partner.
You don’t know the secrets, malice, and cruelty someone is hiding from the surface. That kind of darkness masks itself under charm, wit, and confidence. What’s that adage, again? What happens in the dark rarely ever sees the light of day?
Ventura has blissfully disproven that. And my goodness, that is liberating. Whether or not she anticipated being a heroine, speaking publicly (while pregnant) about something so traumatic and heinous gives me hope that more women will speak up about their experiences.
In the book, The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, author Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D., cites a 1998 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention study that states how common abusive behavior is.
“One in five Americans was sexually molested as a child; one in four was beaten by a parent to the point of a mark being left on their body; and one in three couples engages in physical violence,” Van Der Kolk writes.
He continues, “A quarter of us grew up with alcoholic relatives, and one out of eight witnessed their mother being beaten or hit.”
Remember, these are only reported cases from people who felt the strength to speak up.
Everyone’s healing journey looks different and there is no shame in that
I want to make it clear that not everyone will speak up about their abuse, and that it’s okay. Just because they are in a safer space physically doesn’t mean they feel emotionally or mentally safe. That needs to be respected just as much as Ventura’s choice to speak up in a way that takes up space.
I was recently talking to a dear friend who has also survived an abusive relationship. She sagely reminded me that we don’t always have to share everything. How it’s okay to keep things to ourselves.
To be at a point where you feel you can talk about it takes a lot of hard inner work. Often, we don’t always have the tools or the knowledge to help us get there. There’s also no shame in that. Healing is a journey of a lifetime, and it will be unique to everyone.
Look, if identical twins have different fingerprints, your journey definitely doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. How you heal is up to you, so do what feels right. I see you, and I am freaking proud.
When you’ve experienced abuse, surviving is its own reward. Another day we are above ground is another day we can fight for the possibility of change. Just remember, hope is a bitch to kill, so never, ever stop hoping. You’ll get your chance, I know it.
