In November 2021, our hearts broke collectively when Camila Cabello and Sean Mendes ended their summer of love.
The Cuban-Mexican songstress and the Canadian singer were an item for several years, making us all believe we could indeed have it all. However, their split had us eating pints of ice cream and singing “Señorita” while sobbing.
Almost two years later, Cabello finally spilled on all things breakups. She talked about “clean breaks” for a spin and admitting to their messy, complex, and highly emotional nature in a recent episode of the “Call Her Daddy“ podcast with Alex Cooper.
The juicy interview had many criticizing Cabello’s praise of “toxic” behaviors, but as a sex and relationship coach, I’m here for it. Yes, this Cubanita may be onto something with this unconventional approach.
What if what we’re usually told to avoid is a natural part of healing? What if instead of blocking your ex and removing yourself entirely from their life, you social media stalk them until you’re sick of them? And finally, what if having breakup sex is not so bad after all?
If your jaw hasn’t dropped by now, we’re off to a good start. Trust me, there’s a method to this madness, and I’ll explain now.
“Clean Breaks” are not for everyone — and Cabello knows it
If you’ve gone through a breakup before, you know there’s no such thing as an “easy” separation. Perhaps you’ve had breakups with less drama than others, but splits are hard on the heart. The quicker we admit it, the faster we can go on with our lives.
While opting for a “clean break” may be what the doctor prescribed, it’s not always the best option for everyone. That’s not to say it’s time to call your ex 37 times and leave them 80 voicemails, but unresolved feelings are a part of the process.
Would it be perfect if we could end things with someone and go on into the horizon as if nothing happened? Sure. Is it realistic? No.
You’ll often still have pending feelings for that person, so grieving the relationship is an essential part of healing.
In the Latino and Latine communities especially, you may hear from your friends and family that “you’re better off by cutting them off” or “there are better people out there.” While they may be right, this advice rarely helps when you’re in the initial stages of a breakup.
Clean breaks may look clean on the outside but can leave us with the putrid aftermath of not facing our feelings, communicating our grief, or giving each other compassion as we move on in different timelines.
From my experience with clients, after a separation, most people are not hugely concerned about all the fish in the sea, but in handling the emotions that naturally come from cutting a relationship. They want to see, touch, and feel close to that person.
As a coach, having them shift the focus on themselves is my initial go-to, it is nearly inevitable that they’ll end up returning to the relationship at least once as they figure out their way of letting go.
There’s logic behind breakup sex and Cabello’s “closure through connection” approach
Now let’s get into the nitty-gritty: Cabello’s comment that rocked the internet and sound waves regarding breakup sex. And while you may feel holier-than-though saying “I’d never do that,” you probably have, more than once.
While on the podcast, Cooper asked the “Bam Bam” singer to express her thoughts on doing the dirty with an ex-partner, to which Cabello revealed she “doesn’t believe in the forbidden fruit.”
“I feel like if you’re wanting to have breakup sex, you’re probably gonna hit each other up next week,” Cabello said. “There’s still something there.”
Adding, “Like I said, I’m sorry, I’m a proponent. I don’t believe in the forbidden fruit — if you want it do it. Kinda like ‘date him until you hate him’ vibe. I don’t actually hate anybody, but I’m saying to do it until it’s out of your system.”
But that’s not all, Cabello went on to say that her advice comes with caveats. For example, ask yourself why you’re still engaging in that kind of connection or why you’re choosing to focus on something that may not be working instead of giving yourself a chance with another person.
Like Cabello, after several breakups, I can say that breakups can end with a bang — as long as you’re both aware that this doesn’t mean reconciliation. For many of us, that last sexual encounter can be what we need to move forward or realize that it’s finally time to let go.
As always, think of yourself first and don’t go deeper than what you can handle. Like Cabello’s friends, many people wouldn’t be okay with it. But I agree with the singer in doing the “inner work” while you figure yourself out.
Cooper pointed out, “The point is don’t feel shame if you go back to an ex, but protect yourself in those moments of just knowing that there could be an end date and just be okay with that.”
Reframing the “stalker” myth: wanting to know is a natural part of exploring the end of a relationship
Another notable part of the “Call Her Daddy” interview was when Cabello and Cooper discussed the all-too-famous “stalker myth.”
Again — we’re airing out all our dirty laundry here. This is not the place for pretending like we’ve never gone down the rabbit hole to stalk an ex. We’ve probably stalked our ex’s ex at one point or another.
Kindness to ourselves is key when navigating these behaviors. As long as you don’t actually become a stalker, wanting to know what someone you shared significant life experiences with is natural.
Cabello admitted to being an “absolute psycho” in this area, particularly when she was younger. But as she’s gotten older, she’s reframed her mindset.
“I think self-compassion is really important when it comes to that stuff. It’s like, I could do something that’s going to really hurt me, or I could put the phone down so f**ing hard,” she said.
Cabello continued, “It’s really hard, but you almost have to do it out of kindness for yourself.”
To which Cooper responded, “It’s like if this person was in your bed, you used to have sex, you were intimate, you were in love. Of course, there’s moments where you’re eating a french fry one day and you’re like ‘oh, what is he up to?’”
In life and breakups, the most important aspect is being kind to yourself throughout the process. Realize that having fallbacks is normal and there are no specific timeliness or guidelines for getting over a relationship. Find what works for you. Eventually you’ll get to the shift in mindset you need to move forward and make healthy choices for yourself.
